New Roommate(s)? How to Communicate your Sleep Habits (and more)

Fall is on the horizon, and soon many high school graduates will be headed away from home for the first time. Many others, including recent college graduates, may already be navigating experiences of living with a roommate or apartment-mate for the first time.  Roommates can often become close friends, but still each roommate relationship has had its share of conflict that often arises from miscommunication. 

So, how can you avoid conflict? The short answer is that you cannot, BUT you can work on ways to navigate it more smoothly. Whether you become lifelong friends with a roommate or not, learning how to communicate with someone you share space with is crucial for your overall mental health and living experience. The last thing you want while trying to work through everything that college life or life out in the workforce throws your way is having roommate troubles dragging you down.

If you are sharing a one-room dormitory space or you have your own bedrooms and a common living space, you will want to set up some initial rules and boundaries soon into your time together. And, while it may seem awkward to put these in writing, in the end, it will help you manage situations you inevitably find yourself in, no matter how good your intentions are at the beginning. But don't worry, you can still have fun with this list by putting both serious and silly items on it. 

Getting Started
So, how do you start? Ask for time with your roommate or roommates (yes, you might have a few). Sit down with them when you have at least an hour to spare and ask them to consider the following and write down their responses. These questions are a guide. You might come up with more ideas on what might or might not bring up roommate issues in your specific situation.

• What are your sleep habits? Are you an early to bed person, a "night owl," someone who naps during the day? Do you need absolute quiet while you sleep? Can you sleep with some light on in the room? Do you snore? Do you talk in your sleep? Do you toss and turn? 
• How about study or other work habits? Will you want to study in your room/at home in your apartment? If so, do you study well when other noises/distractions are present such as music, other people socializing in the space, etc.? 
• How messy or neat are you? Is this something that you want/expect from your roommates? If you are an orderly person, is it okay with you if your roommate is not as long as they keep it to their space in the room/apartment?
• What are your social needs? Do you need alone time in your own space sometimes or often? Do you want privacy sometimes or often? Are you a more social person and you like to entertain in your home space? What about when you connect with loved ones who don't live nearby? Are you on video chat or making phone calls a lot or is it mostly via text messaging? In other words, how much do you need that type of connection and how much might those conversations disturb others in your space?
• Think about habits that might bother others? Do you smoke? Do you play a musical instrument? Do you have another skill or hobby that takes up space or creates noise? 
• Consider your personal belongings. Are you someone who is okay sharing your items? Are there items of yours that are "off limits?" How do you handle financial details? This is particularly important if you are in an apartment and sharing costs. How will you navigate bill paying? If you are out together for a meal, would you expect the bill to be split evenly? 

Next Step
Talk through the above and any other issues you have thought about that you think might come up when living with someone. After you've learned from one another about your living habits and some of the needs, take some more time for each of you separately to make a list of your top wants/needs from a roommate. This should include what each of you deems acceptable or unacceptable behaviors. Then talk through these with one another.

Communication Styles
Next, think about your communication style. How do you let a friend know when you are frustrated or upset? Do you tell them right away or do you keep it inside you for a bit (or maybe forever)? How has your form of communicating worked for you so far? How do you prefer to be communicated with when someone is upset with you? Do you want to know? Or do you want to avoid confrontation at any cost? When they tell you they are frustrated, do you listen and take it to heart or do you want to immediately explain why you did what you did? Take time to talk through this with your roommate(s) as well. Know that communication styles will adapt and change as you continue to live together, but knowing your current ways of communicating up front will help immensely when you confront challenging times.

And, if we can give one piece of advice about communication with others for you to consider it is this: It's not about you. Really. Ultimately, it's likely never about you. When we focus on ourselves more than others in relationships, we are highly unlikely to have healthy interactions most of the time.

House Rules
Once you have had these conversations, make your list of mutually-agreed-upon "House Rules." This should not be too long of a list AND it should have at least one or two light-hearted rules on it to keep you from getting too serious too much of the time. Post these rules where you both will see them regularly and revisit them periodically in case you want to adapt them or remove/add any.

Here's an example:

Bill and Ted's Most Excellent House Rules

• Keep common areas picked up and clean
• Respect personal property (always ask first before using/wearing/tossing out)
• Use headphones for listening to things on laptop/phone (and check in with roommate if you are having a conversation with someone that might disturb them)
• No singing in the shower (unless you are Taylor Swift or she's in the shower with you)
• Work/study time is Sunday afternoons/evenings and Wednesday evenings

 And as you are heading off to this most excellent new living adventure, keep Fosters Mattress in mind for your dormitory or apartment bed needs. We have affordable options for the new experience!