To Share A Bed or Not to Share a Bed, That is the Question

At Fosters Mattress, we speak with a lot of couples who are in the market for a new bed. Often, the discussion quickly moves to their sleeping preferences: same or separate mattresses. You might be surprised to know that we also have many conversations about whether or not couples sleep in the same room (when they have the option in their home for separate bedrooms). In fact, according to sleepdoctor.com, "25% of American couples are sleeping apart, and that number is climbing."

There was a time in our cultural history when sleeping in separate beds was considered healthier as well as the modern thing to do. In the late 19th century, some doctors thought that a weaker sleeper drained the vitality of the stronger one and warned against sharing a bed. Early into the next century, twin beds had became the fashion. When television came onto the scene, popular shows such as The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet and I Love Lucy depicted couples in separate beds.

Since the 1960's the trend has turned to couples sharing beds. Add to that trend the fact that if you have a smaller space with fewer bedroom options, you may not have a choice of separate beds or bedrooms.

So what happens when sharing a bed with your partner becomes an obstacle to your sleep? Or perhaps it's restricting their sleep?

We can all agree that sleep is important. We don't function well when we consistently sleep poorly. This can lead to physical as well as mental maladies. When you share a bed with someone, it is an intimate experience, making it tough to confront issues with one another such as snoring, restless sleeping, different sleep cycles or schedules, varying needs due to temperature and/or bedding, and the decision to allow or not to allow children or pets in your bed.

If you find yourself in this predicament, talk to us. We can help you brainstorm options to find the one that will suit both your sleep and relationship needs.

Here are some possible ways to work through these sharing-a-bed challenges:

Talk with Your Partner
Communication is key. You can approach these topics in a variety of ways, but most importantly, try not to point fingers. Chances are if your sleep is disrupted, so is theirs, so ask. Be vulnerable. Show compassion. And, before you talk, make sure you are both in a space and place where you are ready for this conversation.

Assess the Size of your Mattress and Consider an Adjustable Base
If you find yourselves cramped for space in your bed, look at bigger sized options. If you and your partner have different sleep needs, whether mattress style or adjustability, perhaps you would benefit from two mattresses. Don't forget that a king-sized mattress is the same as two twin extra long mattresses. If you can afford to, why not get a mattress that suits your individual sleep needs? Adding adjustable bases under these mattresses can bring your sleep to a whole other level, including preventing snoring, assisting with acid reflux, or simply finding the height for your head and feet that keeps you in the best position for your own body type. Your body will thank you in the morning when you wake up free of aches or pains.

Address Noise and Light Sensitivity
Does one of you snore and the other lie awake at night because of it? As mentioned above, getting an adjustable base for your bed (or theirs if you are on separate mattresses) will control snoring. There are also a wide-range of earplugs and noise-canceling machines on the market, so take a look. And if the snoring is intense and/or the snorer wakes themselves up or stops breathing in the night, they should be assessed by a sleep specialist for sleep apnea or other sleep disorders. Also, if any lights in the room keep you from sleeping, change them. There are directional nightlights that can light up the floor rather than your eyes. If your partner has different sleep times and has some light on while you are sleeping, discuss a remedy. Eye masks are inexpensive and quite comfortable and are one of several options.

Know Your Sleep Schedule and Best Sleep Position
You might sleep best on your side, but you find your body aching after waking up. If this is the case, again an adjustable base can work wonders as well as a side-sleeper pillow. Don't compromise sleeping in a new position if you can help it. Your body knows how it sleeps best, so try to find ways to accommodate this as much as you are able. In addition, we all have different sleep patterns. Hopefully yours mirrors your partner's, but if not, compromise can only go so far. If you adapt to your partner's sleep schedule and it is not your natural one, you may experience negative effects. Each body has a natural preference for wakefulness and sleep called a chronotype, genetically influenced and driven by circadian rhythm. If you ignore this, you may end up on edge, and that will ultimately create issues between you and your partner.

What if We Can't Find a Compromise?
If you have assessed your sleep differences and cannot come up with a same-bed remedy, it might be time for a sleep divorce. Yes, there is such a term, but don't worry - it's not as dire as it might sound. It is merely an agreement to honor your individual sleeping arrangements whether that means separate beds, different sleep times, or even, if you have the space, different rooms. If you decide to sleep apart, know that this doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. In fact, it could save your relationship, particularly if your current arrangement is keeping one or both of you from sleeping well. Just be sure to find together time when choosing this solution. Create your own rituals around time in bed together, and then go to your separate spaces when it's time for sleep. Taking your time and making the necessary changes allows you and your partner to gain a new and fresh perspective on your relationship and your life.